The Soul Mate Medium

If ever there is a time we can’t be together,
keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever.
—Winnie the Pooh

Did you know that imagination and creativity are developed in a child when they have time alone? Did you know the most profound spiritual growth happens when we are by ourselves? Did you know that The Universe speaks, guides, and directs us when we are present in the silence? Why are we so afraid of being alone?

To most people the thought of being alone is terrifying. Most of us are scared of the quiet. So we never allow ourselves to be there. We are either constantly crazy busy or filling our lives with noise. When we are alone we are on the computer, watching TV, on the phone, texting, reading, keeping ourselves as busy as possible so as not to feel any uncomfortable feelings. Most people are equally as afraid of their feelings as they are of being alone. Feelings of loneliness, fear, inadequacy, the replaying of history, sadness, and worry are all things we try to avoid feeling. Yet it is those very feelings that provide us with priceless information about areas of our own life that we need to pay attention to. We do not need to know what to do to fix them; we simply need to acknowledge their existence. Feelings, by the way, are only feelings; they do not mean anything. They are there to alert us to the fact that there is information that needs to be processed by us, our experiences.

Being alone is important. Being quiet is important as well. So many gifts come from those two states. We have a chance to be with ourselves, get to know ourselves. What we are really thinking and feeling. We get to live in the moment without any stimulus in a true state of being. We get to integrate the experiences we have had and the lessons we have learned, daily or otherwise, that allow us to be fuller people and remain on the path with clarity.

We have a major misunderstanding as to what alone means. You are never truly alone; you are in constant relationship with all that is, with The Universe. You are in a constant relationship with yourself, with your expression, and with your surroundings. Yes, there are moments when we seek connection. Certainly, people who have been in a state of union for a period of time and then lose their partner, for whatever reason, will feel a sense of loneliness and have to readjust their sense of independent completeness.

When we are in a relationship, being able to be alone is important as well. To have a healthy, thriving, and long-term relationship, that relationship needs room to blossom, and it needs air to do so. What a distortion we hold that somehow needing space in a relationship is a bad thing. We believe somehow needing space implies that there is something wrong in the relationship, when really it is quite the opposite. If both people in the relationship can allow and support the other in having a little bit of room, then they are a couple that has security, trust, and true understanding.

If we are honest, most people stay away from separate time because they do not trust their partner, or maybe even themselves. If the two of you are never apart, no one has to be trusted. Each person is constantly a part of everything, so no one has any risk of getting in trouble, nor do they have the opportunity to flex their own muscle and keep themselves out of trouble. If a relationship has no trust, it has no chance of lasting, nor is it Love. Love requires us to grow into a sense of self and a sense of integrity. If there is no room or faith for trust to grow in, there is no way Love can, or will, survive. If you can’t trust the other person, better you know sooner then later and not waste moments of your life.

Space allows us some perspective. It allows us perspective as an observer of the relationship, an opportunity to experience feelings that cannot be experienced when we are with our partner. We can have the experience of missing them or being missed by them, to see the experiences we have had and how we are different as a result of them. We can move into the next level of the observer, and view the specialness of the relationship in how it has grown and changed. We can have the experience of longing and move into the energy of desire. After that little moment of space, you will both return to the relationship, having integrated the relationship into your being.

Creating alone time can also be a fun and generous expression of Love. I gave my partner a gift. An avid Dallas Cowboy fan, I surprised him with a trip to the inaugural game in the new Cowboy Stadium. He went for a three-day weekend. Yes, I could have gone with him, but why would I? His passion and excitement would not be met by mine. The freedom to have his experience, his way, during an experience that was special to him would have become different as the needs of the “WE” would have naturally come into play. He felt completely Loved by me and called with excitement and returned with stories, gifts, and photos. I received some quiet romantic time by myself, with my lit candles, flowers, and music. I watched old movies (of which he is not a fan) on the large television. We were closer and our relationship received a little Love Boost®, it is what I call a Love Bonus® for all.

Lovers never lose each other. You are never independent of one another. You carry each other with you, within your very being, always. What is there to be afraid of? Nothing. What is there to gain? Everything! You gain the ability to have real Love that transcends all.

©2010 Erika Morrell

Love is but the discovery of ourselves in another, and delight in the recognition.
—Alexander Smith

One never consciously seeks out one’s soul mate…The soul mate finds you. He or she merely appears in one’s life when the time and circumstance come.
—Jaime T. Lichauco

Soul Mates can be defined in many different ways. In one way, everything that touches our soul becomes a Soul Mate. Popular culture has defined the Soul Mate as the ultimate Love—romantic, perfect, and the one that will bring happiness forever. Those of us that study metaphysics have come to know Soul Mates somewhat differently. A Soul Mate is a kindred soul with whom you share a very deep and special Love. You also share lessons, past lives, and karma. All these experiences can, in this lifetime, only be experienced together.

Soul Mates are brought together for lessons that need to be learned and karma that needs to be rectified for the growth of the individual souls. The Soul Mates that are brought together are working on the same chakra and karma that was created together. At the same time they are creating the dharma for their next lives. This is often why Soul Mates do not end up together; when the lesson is over so is the relationship. Soul Mates can remain together if they meet the challenges of the lessons and transmute their relationship from past-life stuff to present-Love stuff, the Love that has been created during their time together. Ultimately the Soul Mate relationship has a higher purpose.

In this present time many people miss their Soul Mate. When they first meet their mate they feel euphoric, like they have known them their whole lives, etc. Then when the relationship starts getting a little challenging they bail. The other reason they miss their Soul Mate is that the people they are dating, or the people that are in their spheres, are pigeonholed as being “just a friend” or “just a coworker,” or, the worst, “I’m not attracted to them.” All these decisions stop the universe from unveiling your Soul Mate to you. Only those truly open and capable of a higher level of Love will be blessed with a Soul Mate. You will most likely never immediately be attracted to your Soul Mate. The story will very rarely unfold the way you would expect it.

One kind of relationship that is often confused with the Soul Mate relationship is the karmic relationship. This relationship is solely about rectifying the karma that was created together. The attraction can happen in the same way, feel the same; the magnetic pull is just as strong. This relationship can end in marriage, and the karma will be played out in a setting that is not easy to walk away from. If this relationship ends in separation or divorce, the outcome will be dictated by how attached the two people must be in order to rectify the karma. This relationship is often confused with a Soul Mate relationship because of how people feel in the earlier part of the relationship. The idea that there are many Soul Mates comes from this confusion since most relationships are karmic ones.

Your Soul Mate will work like a large mirror, reflecting you back at you. They will not save you, nor is it their job to create your happily ever after. Their job, and yours, is to grow. This growth takes place by being stimulated by the Love the two of you share, and being in the moment of your soul’s development were you have the possibility of growth at this level. You will be forced into growing by the circumstances that take place in the relationship and your desire to have the relationship work out. You will be asked to up your game at every turn. You and your partner’s ability to do this or not will define the destiny of the relationship in this lifetime.

Your Soul Mate is not your other half. That person is a twin flame. A twin flame (which I will talk about next month) is one soul that splits in two during the first incarnation; one half is male, the other half female. The two of you will not come together until your last incarnation. You can tap into the power of that relationship and take comfort in the fact that from the day you were born that one great Love has been out there. This twin-flame dynamic once again points out the importance of the work you do on yourself and in all of your relationships. How much you grow is very important in this lifetime, as well as in all the others.

Your Soul Mate Relationship
To Magnetize and Support Your Soul Mate Relationship:
• Don’t look for your Soul Mate; let it happen.
• Set the intention to be open to Love, and get in touch with the willingness to have the relationship.
• Become a magnet for the relationship by becoming what you want to receive. As Wayne Dyer as said, “You can only have what you are.”
• Allow the universe to bring you what is in your highest and best. Stop trying to create, judge, and decide what is best for you. Leave your ego at the door. Just surrender and be willing to entertain whatever (whomever) appears.
• Let go of the romantic idea of perfection in the Soul Mate relationship and your Soul Mate.
• Make the idea of your soul growth part of the way you think and make decisions.
• Pay attention to what the higher purpose of the relationship might be, and support it.
• Commit to working on the relationship. Learn how to have the kind of relationship you will need to have and the new ways to Love that can support you in “upping your game.” Follow my column at The Meta Arts (http://themetaarts.com/pages/erika.html) and my radio show (The Soul Mate Medium Experience http://www.latalkradio.com/Erika.php ) to learn those very skills.

Understand that a Soul Mate relationship is not just you. This is the journey for the two of you. Honor each other’s truth, do what is best for the relationship, support each other, communicate, and, the most important thing, Love. It is all about the Love.

©2009 Erika Morrell

Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned.
—Marianne Williamson

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
—Jay Leno

 Some of you might find this a little hard to believe—I do not support Valentine’s Day. There is something that happens to us, a madness of sorts; those that are single become depressed, angry, and vow to revenge their new sworn enemies…the couple. They are convinced that they are unloveable, will never be loved, and are less worthy then those in relationships. Couples fall into one of two categories: the Fantastical Fantasy Seeker® and the Pressure Panicked Partner®. The Fantasy Seeker has built up the day or night into an epic romantic happening. One of two outcomes are to be expected: the great disappointment, since no one could live up to the fantasy; or the “why can’t it always be that way” letdown. The night goes off without a hitch. It goes beyond our wildest expectation, but then the next day…back to reality. Over the years it has been my observation that the fantasy suddenly becomes the new expectation of our partner. “You did it then, why can’t you do it now,” can be heard echoing throughout relationships everywhere. We have placed our partner in a position where we expect something that is not sustainable. We now feel the relationship is not good enough. We have seen our fantasy, daily life is our fantasy, and we are now unhappy. Oh, and my heart goes out to the Pressured Partner who will expend all of their energy to have everything be perfect. When their efforts are not received as they had hoped, they often feel a sense of failure in disappointing their partner. They feel unloved and underappreciated. As my good friend Allen says, (especially when he wants to get me to laugh), “This has got disaster written all over it.”
   Love is every moment of life. Whether you are single or a member of a partnership, Love is a state of being that exists in everything we do, every moment we live. It is not a feeling that is reserved for a certain person on a certain day. If that is the way it is viewed, there is a greater issue here—we do not understand anything about Love. As far as romance is concerned, it is the gift of creative expression that we share with the universe in celebration of the sacredness and intimacy of our lives. Those moments are between the universe and us. If we invite someone else to that party, great, but that party is still thrown no matter who is showing up for that celebration is the recognition of life!
   Most people do not really know how Valentine’s Day got started or its history. Valentine’s Day developed under the Roman Christian Church around 325 A.D. to put a stop to a pagan holiday known as Lupercalia. Lupercalia was celebrated on February 15 in ancient Rome to appease the god Lupercus, in order to protect livestock and crops, especially from wolves. The “festival of sexual license” included young girls whose names were picked from a bowl by boys who subsequently claimed them for a year for sex, sacrifices of animals, and the flogging of women to insure fertility. The feast of Saint Valentine, named for one of several martyred saints of ancient Rome, was first decreed in 496 A.D., but February 14 and Love weren’t associated with the holiday until the 14th century. That is when the poet Geoffrey Chaucer is credited with inventing its legends, traditions, and the characteristics of Saint Valentine, in his poem The Parliament of Fowles(1380). In 1969 the saint’s feast day was removed from the church calendar for being viewed as purely legendary in origin.
   Cupid, the poster child for Valentine’s Day, whose Latin name (Cupere) means desire, was the son of Venus (if Roman), or Aphrodite (if Greek). What most people do not know is that mythology describes Cupid as being happy and cruel. He would shoot his arrows at unsuspecting men and women so that they would fall in Love, not for the sake of spreading Love but to drive them crazy with passion and make their lives miserable, so he could have a good laugh at the insanity he created.
   I believe that we have elevated Valentine’s Day to the point where we have lost sight of its heart. Every day should be Valentine’s Day. We do not honor Love by giving it a day, but by giving it every day.
   Here is how we can make every day Valentine’s Day, romantic, passionate, and Filled with Love. Together or alone, celebrate Love!
• See Love, hear Love, speak Love. There are endless examples of Love in our daily lives, moments of kindness that we have the opportunity to show, or that are shown to us; moments of beauty, opportunities to express thanks, gratitude, and appreciation. Slow down for a moment and take life in. Take the time to really experience another person, or allow yourself to really be seen. Speak the kindness and the Love you feel. Tell people how you feel about them and why, what makes them special to you. When someone tells you how they feel, how special you are to them, take a breath, listen, and take it in.
• Do special things. Dinner, vacations, movies, museums, lectures, concerts, a night in a hotel, blowing bubbles, fishing—whatever is special to you or you both. When we give ourselves treats that put a little spin in our day, we make our day a little more memorable, special, set it apart from the rest, and say I am invested in you and in life.
• Give gifts. Anything that is given from our heart, to ourselves or another, is a gift. A note, chocolates, flowers, or anything else can be given anytime. I believe in giving gifts often, for no reason except that it feels good to give and to receive.
• Create romance. Candlelight, music, bubble baths, clothing and bedsheets made of pleasurable materials, a picnic on the floor, and the Moon can be enjoyed alone or with someone. They are all ways of celebrating all that is sensual about life.

What happens on Valentine’s Day does not define you. It does not define Love. You are special, seen, and Loved. Live it. Live in Love!®

© Erika Morrell

You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationship every day. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity. - Epicurus

William, do you have the courage to Love?
—Illustration by Koren, 1977

In the 1977 cartoon Illustration by Koren that I believed appeared in The New Yorker we see two monsters, all shaggy and uniquely formed, holding hands across a romantically set table. The female of the couple poses the question, “William, do you have the courage to love?” She is posing what turns out to be a very important question.

Most people do not relate the word courage with the word Love. The truth is that courage is a large part of Love. True Love, real Love, stimulates many of our own unhealed issues. It forces us to face the things that we have spent the majority of the time running from, hiding from, suppressing, or, even more painful, a happening or feeling that you felt like you had worked through or was already healed, but in truth is not.
Before entering into or even trying to manifest a relationship, you may want to meditate on this idea of courage. Ultimately you may want to ask yourself if you are ready to stand up for yourself, for your happiness, and for Love. It is a very important place, decision, choice, if you will, to be committed to learning all the lessons the relationship has to offer. So many people fail to stick with a relationship long enough to see the lesson through. The second the relationship stops being fun, or there start to be some challenges involved in the relationship, most people bail on the situation. They fail to understand the personal importance of making the relationship work, to uncover the answers to all unanswered questions, to grow.

Are you aware that, from a spiritual perspective, we have relationships so that we can have a giant reflection of ourselves within or stimulated by our partner? From that reflection we are given the opportunity to not only see ourselves more clearly (if we are willing to do the work) but to grow. It is from this growth that we are then provided the opportunity to participate in a real relationship, a real Love, free and clear of control, punishment, or manipulation. Each person is allowed and is free to be who they are, and to do what they came to this earth to do. At that point, as partners we are responsible to each other, to meet each other’s needs to the best of our ability, to support one another in being exactly whom we are meant to be. That takes guts!

Think about it: For most people so much of a relationship is reacting from a place of fear. Our choices, requests, and expectations of one another are based on the fears we hold about not being Loveable enough, being abandoned, cheated on, and so on. A great example of this was my client Tina (not her real name), a successful woman who wanted her boyfriend to move in with her, though not because she wanted them to live together. Tim had cheated on her and, despite this fact, she chose to stay in the relationship, and felt she could keep a better eye on him if they were living together. Now do you think that there was a true possibility of this relationship working out?
People can sleep together, but often fail to speak to one another. They can move into this illusion of intimacy, because they are naked. The true intimacy of being willing to make requests of one another, share dreams, feelings, and fears with one another gets lost. To live in the courage of speaking what your truth is in a compassionate and respectful way and at the same time allowing your partner to have their own truth is terrifying! What does it mean to constantly negotiate? It means you are having a relationship. It means that you are living in courage, facing the fear that if you don’t control everything you will not be okay. You will be fine, a little scared perhaps, but still fine.

Another aspect of a relationship that takes courage is allowing our partner to grow, whatever opportunities present themselves to our partner. We support them in taking advantage of the ones that will allow them to grow physically, emotionally, mentally, and/or spiritually. When we face our own fear, in our support we are honoring the relationship. Often when someone in a relationship grows, there is fear that gets stimulated in the other partner that they will be left behind. As long as no one tries to control the growth, then it moves the relationship out of integrity. No one is left behind. The universe supports all who support one another. All relationships start with your commitment to each other. Commitment to one another’s welfare, the highest and best and full expression of being light on this earth, may be considered a lofty undertaking, and it takes a tremendous amount of courage to be part of someone else’s trip here on Earth and trust that it is part of your own.

There is a quote that I Love and that I would like to share with all of you. It is in my mind, how I think of a relationship: The truth of Love is lead, with courage, respect, trust, appreciation, and Love.
Apart, but never separate. Free, but never alone.

Spend some time today thinking about the idea of courage in your life, in your relationship. My experience has been that most people are kind of like the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz, spending many a moment being afraid of thinking about things, what may or may not happen, and what they will do “if” faced with a certain situation. The truth is that we already have all the courage we need to do what is in the highest and best. We just need to be willing to override our relationship fear and choose to live in Love.
© Erika Morrell

Life is an adventure.
—James L. Morrell

I was blessed with a father who gave me one of the greatest gifts of my life, the gift of adventure! No matter what was happening, my father would always be quick to point out that it was merely just part of the adventure. Like the time when I was around five years old; my family was taking a trip by car, we had a 1965 Mustang convertible (soft top) packed to the brink! All the luggage, strollers, and bikes had been packed on the roof, which, of course, was deeply sagging. In the car were my parents and my sister (three years old at the time) and I, and we were all ducked down since the roof was now at least five inches lower then when we started. Also along for the trip were our pets—an Afghan dog, a cat, a bird, a rabbit, two turtles, and goldfish. It was a hot summer day. We were riding along the highway when—pop!—the tire blew. My father drove the rim to safety. There we were, the 1973 version of The Grapes of Wrath on the side of the highway. My parents got out of the car, my mother freaking out, my father quietly assessing the situation. Then he started to unpack the top of the car (clearly the heat of the road and the weight of the car had done the tire in). Everything would have to be removed from the car to allow my father to change the tire. So there we all were on the side of the highway in what seemed to be, in my five-year-old memory, 1,000-degree weather. My mother was very stressed out by the situation, worrying about everyone’s safety, if we should walk to a phone (no cells in those days), was everybody going to be okay? She reminded him of the fact that she had warned him about the weight, and…now look.
I will never forget this moment as long as I live. My father stood up, turned to my mother, and said, “Kathy, there is nothing to be upset about, it is just all part of the adventure!” Then he bent back down and continued to change the tire. I remembered thinking to myself, “Yeah, cool! I am on an adventure!” Even though I had heard my father talk about living an adventure on many occasions, up to that moment all those occasions had been associated with pleasurable things: shopping trips, going to see relatives, going to the park or The Museum of Natural History. That car trip was the first time I understood that everything was part of the adventure! No experience had to be judged or labeled good or bad, because it was really a part of some great adventure! How freeing.
Relationships are just part of the adventure. They are an adventure within the adventure. We seem to be able to relate to this idea when it comes to the meeting and the romance. How many times do we regale others with the stories of how perfect, magical, or unsuspected some gift was? We experience in those moments of “magic” our sense of adventure within the relationship. Somehow we lose that sense of adventure when it comes to those moments that are “everyday” or not to our liking within the relationship. We refuse to view those moments as part of the adventure.
The adventure does not just refer to anything that is pleasurable; it refers to everything that happens. No matter what transpires, why, how, or anything else, it is all part of our adventure. The thing that is challenging for most of us to understand, mainly because it is part of our human condition, is everything that happens in our life and in our relationship is meant to be embraced. It is all part of the adventure. We tend to have a desire to push away, close our eyes to, or force something to change if we do not like it. We have the choice not to judge what happens to us, but merely embrace it as part of our adventure. We have the choice to free ourselves from pain and judgment and just live in the adventure. It allows us to just be and observe and experience. It is as simple as that. We live in what is, and in that way truly experience our relationship and our life. We are free. Free of judgment and free of unhappiness. We are free to experience life and Love in the moment. We are free to choose what we would like to feel. No matter what the outside world brings us, it is all part of the adventure!

Living in the Adventure
To live in the adventure only takes a few minor adjustments to our perspective and how we allow ourselves to think about things.
 Think about yourself as a character in a story. Allow yourself to see yourself as the hero/heroine of your own story. Your life is your adventure.
 Live in the moment. Your adventure is made up of the moments of your life.
 Allow yourself to experience everything that happens to you without judgment. Understand that it is just what it is. It is part of the adventure.
 Say to yourself, “This is part of the adventure.”
 Understand that everyone you meet and everything that happens to you is an experience or lesson that is taking you where you need to be in your story. They are part of your adventure.
 Do not judge what happens to you. Everything that happens gives you a tool or understanding that you will need for the next leg of the journey—for the next part of the adventure.
 Life is your adventure. Love is your adventure.

How Living in the Adventure Supports Love
 Love does not judge and neither do we when we are living in the adventure. Things just are.
 When we are living in the adventure, and we learn not to judge things as good or bad, we have no reason to panic about the things that are transpiring in our life. We understand that there is a bigger mystery unfolding. Therefore we do not need to move into a place of trying to control situations or our partner.
 The adventure gives us the opportunity to choose to meet every moment with a feeling of peace and joy, light and Love. The outer situations or others’ behavior does not need to define us, how we move through the world, or how we allow ourselves to feel. Everything that happens is just part of the adventure. We can choose to embrace it all and feel great doing it! The better we allow ourselves to feel, the more harmony we can experience in our relationship.
 Free your Love! Love, when experienced without judgment, becomes something that we could never imagine it being. Love becomes what it is—everything!

So I hope that you enjoy your adventure and allow Love to touch your life every day!

Thank you, Dad, for teaching me to make every day of my life an adventure!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! I am thankful for you.

©2008 Erika Morrell

Capability, yes…but where could warp drive take us,
except away from here?
—Anji, Star Trek: Insurrection

Why are we in such a hurry when it comes to Love? Why would we, by choice or design, take ourselves out of any moment of Love? Have you ever had the experience of a perfect moment when time seemed to stand still? Looking into someone’s eyes? Holding onto a word…a touch…a kiss, when everything exists in one perfect moment?
Most of us rush through our lives in such a hurry that we miss the now in all of its beauty and power. Never is that more evident than in Love. Love creates anxiety in most of us. From the moment we meet someone we want to know what the outcome of the relationship is going to be: Sex? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Living together? Married? Dumped? Brokenhearted…just like all the rest? Forever or just a day? The same is true for couples: How will I feel tomorrow? Are we going to end up divorced? Will I be cheated on? Will we really grow old together? Will I be abandoned?
Our history, and our anxiety have us drive the moment into the future to answer our ultimate questions: Am I Lovable? Will they Love me? Will I Love them? Will it be forever? Will I be trapped? Will they make me happy? (I will revisit these questions later.) We drive our future to find the answers, to make sure we are safe and that we will not be hurt. Many of us look to our relationships to create some form of safety for ourselves. Relationships are not there to provide us with safety. Rather, the lessons or experiences are there to help us learn how to provide safety for ourselves. Our need to feel safe robs us of so many moments of beauty and life. There are so many moments in a relationship that are both wonderful and painful—all serve the development and strength of the relationship. The more life experiences we share as a couple, the stronger the relationship becomes. What moments are you uncomfortable with? What moments do you push away that make you feel you need to leave the moment?
You can never replay a moment or have it back. All you have is now. Most people search or are in a relationship because they are searching for a certain feeling or life. Yet we are, in one way or another, dissatisfied by what we end up with. I believe that this is partly because we have missed moments where we had actually received what it was we where looking to find. We spent those moments somewhere in the past or future. So even though we had received what we had wanted, we missed it. How many moments are you missing right now? How often are you receiving what you desire from someone, but are failing to experience it, therefore experiencing its absence?
Living in the moment with Love:
 All the Questions Keeping You Out of Moments of Love Answered!
Earlier in this article I said that I would revisit some important questions, so here we go. I will tackle them one at a time:
1. Am I Lovable? Yes! Everything about you is lovable. No matter what you perceive as your shortcomings, there is nothing unlovable about you.
2. Will I Love them? Yes. If you allow Love in, let go of expectations, your history, and choose to. You can Love them. Love is a choice.
3. Will they Love me? Maybe. It is their choice. If they do not, believe it or not it has nothing to with you or your Lovability. It has to do with their trip. Honestly, it is nothing personal, and—let’s be real—it is their loss. What fool turns down an opportunity to let Love in?
4. Will it be forever? Yes. Love never really dies. Amongst other places that Love lives in, it is always in our hearts and memories.
5. Will I feel trapped? Maybe. Good news! The only one that can trap you is yourself. Set yourself free. You do not have to leave the relationship in order to feel free, just surrender to Love.
6. Will they make me happy? Maybe, maybe not. FYI, it is not their job to make you happy. You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness. You are really the only one that can make yourself happy.
 Slow Down
Take a deep breath. Become aware of your surroundings. Notice everything you can: sights, sounds, smells, tastes. Allow yourself, without judgment, to feel the moment. See all the beauty and Love that exists.
If someone is sharing the moment with you, take your time, talking, eating, or whatever it is you are doing together. Allow yourself to listen, and experience your feelings without judgment in the moment.
 No Time Travel Please
Stay out of the past and away from the future. If you are making any kind of judgment at all, you are not in the moment. You are either in the past or the future, and most likely experiencing some form of anxiety. You form judgments out of the experiences that you have had in the past, your history. You are performing a little “am I safe?” compare-and-contrast scan. You are sizing up the situation, conversation, and behavior to see if it is “whatever happened last time.” You are out of the moment. You are missing the moment.
If you are judging, you may be in the future. If you are in the future, you are weighing and measuring what is happening to see how it may or may not fit into the picture you have of that future. What definition is the relationship taking on? Is it meeting your expectations of how you view you life? You are not in the moment. You are missing the moment, and all the opportunities and Love it brings.

 Understand the Rules of Love
There are no guarantees or safety in Love or life. Cut yourself a break and stop working so hard, worrying, and trying to develop a strategy to insure that nonexistent safety. Just allow yourself to enjoy life and all the moments you are given.
The last beautiful piece of this I would like to share with you is that if you are uncomfortable, you are most likely experiencing real intimacy. Yeah, you! What a gift! Don’t run over it or away from it. Savor it. Make it a perfect moment of love. My wish for you is that you have many.

©2010 Erika Morrell

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
—Oscar Wilde

We all have something to say. We all have feelings about everything that happens in our relationship. We all request that our partners be truthful and honest because most of us have had the rather painful experience of being hurt by lies and some form of deception. Most of what we communicate we believe we are doing because our partner “needs” to know how we feel, we are “just trying to be honest,” or our partner has asked us to be truthful. We often end up creating a great deal of damage to the relationship in how we present our “truth.”
Yes, it is important to be truthful and honest. To be deceitful or devious is wrong, and in a Love relationship it is unacceptable. The only way Love can exist by definition is if there is trust, and trust cannot exist if there is any deception present in the relationship.
There are two different ways to be truthful. The first way I call Enhancement Truth®. In speaking Enhancement Truth® we do what is best for the relationship. Both partners’ feelings are taken into consideration, our communication is compassionate, Loving, and leads only to proactive dialogue that supports the growth of the relationship and the rectification of the conflicts. The second form of truth is destructive truth. Unfortunately this is the truth that most of us speak, and it is the way in which we know to be truthful. We just speak our truth because we need to “get it off our chest,” or have our partner understand “our truth.” We have a tendency in this kind of truthfulness to focus on what is not working for us, what is wrong, and how in one way or another we are being wronged or failed. We are often frustrated and angry. Destructive Truthfulness® never leads to anything positive for the relationship; it creates more problems, hurt feelings, and sets up a lack of safety in the relationship.

Enhancement Truth® serves these purposes and these purposes only: to enhance the relationship, to make it better, more pleasurable, and more enjoyable, and to deepen the Love and trust. To participate in Enhancement Truth® the following nine criteria must be able to be met.
1. I am clear about how I feel, what I want to express, and why.
2. It is best for the relationship.
3. I am living in the moment.
4. I can express myself in a calm, grounded way, using a soft, gentle voice. I can express myself with Love and compassion, taking my partner and their feelings and point of view into consideration.
5. I can express positives about the relationship.
6. I am clear how I would like my communication to better the relationship/situation.
7. I am ready to share my proactive ideas on how to have my statements work as a bridge to solutions.
8. I am ready, willing, and open to listen to my partner’s input.
9. I will not repeat myself. I will understand that I was heard and responded to and deal with it from there.

I Am Clear About How I Feel, What I Want to Express, and Why
Often what drives us to feel the need to speak “our truth” is we feel angry and/or wronged. We want our partner to understand our point of view and to “get it.” In those moments we are not communicating out of Love, but anger. In those moments some part of us is looking to punish our partner for what they did or did not do. Maybe we are looking to relieve our own guilt or dissipate our own feelings. So I ask you to ask yourself the very important questions: “What do I really need to say?” “Why do I feel like I need to say this?”

It Is Best for the Relationship
Doing what is best for the relationship means that the communication supports the relationship. It means that both partners are taken into consideration in thought and deed, in feeling and belief system. There must be a point to the communication that supports the further building of trust and Love.

I Am Living in the Moment
Living in the moment means only the here and now exist. Look at whether the truth you feel you need to bring up has something to do with unresolved issues from the past or anxiety about the future. Each moment of a relationship is a new beginning. The past is over; there is nothing that can be done about it. Enjoy the memory, honor what that moment gave you, or forgive and let go of whatever did not work for you or how you believe you were wronged. The future will be whatever it is. Bring up only what is affecting the relationship right now. The baggage of yesterday has no place in the beauty of now.

I Can Express Myself in a Calm, Grounded Way, Using a Soft, Gentle Voice. I Can Express Myself With Love and Compassion, Taking my Partner and Their Feelings and Point of View Into Consideration
The energy with which we express ourselves has a direct effect on how we are heard and cooperated with. If our partner feels under attack they will more than likely do one of three things: attack, defend themselves, or tune out all together. None of these options will help you better your relationship. Speaking in terms that allow your partner to feel understood and taken into consideration will allow them to feel Loved and will have them want to cooperate.

I Can Express Positives About the Relationship
It is too easy to fall into criticism. The more you can acknowledge the good stuff, the better you will feel and the better you will be able to communicate from a place of Love. The more your partner can hear you speak of the good stuff, the more appreciated and Loved they will feel.

I Am Clear on How I Would Like My Communication to Better the Relationship/Situation
The clearer you are, the clearer you will be understood. You will be a lot less likely to wander or get caught up in irritated feelings. You will also keep your focus on the positive goal for the communication as well as the relationship.

I Am Ready to Share My Proactive Ideas on How to Have My Statements Work as a Bridge to Solutions
In bringing issues up you must be clear about what you do want. In coming up with ideas you are not only setting a example of how things can work out, you are also giving a starting point for all the amazingly creative and Loving solutions the two of you will create.

I Am Ready, Willing, and Open to Listen to My Partner’s Input
Expect feelings. They have every right to feel whatever they feel about what was said. Just listen and Love. They will have some great ideas that you will not have thought of. Expect pleasant surprises. Listen and honor your partner’s truth and experience.

I Will Not Repeat Myself. I Will Understand That I Was Heard and Responded to and Deal With It From There
Repeating yourself is like beating someone over the head with your point of view. People need a chance to process what has been said and to put into effect whatever had been agreed upon. Just trust. Trust your partner, trust yourself, trust the relationship.
Enhance your truth, enhance your communication, enhance your relationship, enhance your life. Deeper Love and trust will be yours!

© 2007 Erika Morrell

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
—Lao Tzu

I have to be honest, fall is my favorite time of year. I love the fall. It’s a time of renewal for me. I have always looked at fall as a time to let go. Perhaps since I grew up on the East Coast, I envision myself as a tree whose leaves turn beautiful colors, the last glorious moment of existence to show all of what they are, and then fall to the ground. I drop the “leaves” of my life, the parts of my life that I am finished with, have outgrown, and that simply do not serve me anymore. Thoughts or belief systems that hold me back from my greatness are released. It is freeing.
Many times we hold beliefs about ourselves—who we are, our likes and dislikes, what is acceptable to us and not. While these understandings about ourselves and how we move through the world are all well and good, they ultimately limit what we know and think and how big we can dream. When we are willing to let go of all of our preconceived ideas about ourselves, we leave ourselves open to the universe providing us with something “beyond our wildest dreams.” We become who we are at a deeper level, we become more of who we are.
The same is true of our relationships. At some point a decision was made. We decided what we feel we want. We decided what we think will make us happy. We decided what shape our relationship will have to take to provide us with what we want. This leaves a very small margin of error for our partner, who for the most part is unaware of our decisions and has made their own decisions. In this scenario, which I have heard about from my clients so many times, the relationship ceases to be about freedom and starts to be about control. We are unavailable to see how our desires are being met because they do not take shape as we think they should in order to make us “happy.” We feel the need to start telling our partner how they need to behave in order for us to be happy. At this point we spend our time looking for how our partner does or does not do what we have asked. We spend our time feeling frustrated, hurt, and wondering what we are going to do about the situation, instead of spending our time seeing that we are getting what would make us happy.
We have limited ourselves and our relationship. Our fantasy, experiences, and history have dictated how things “need” to be. We are not living in the moment, in what the relationship is. We are missing the uniqueness of the relationship, the beauty of what it is. We are not able to see or, more important, feel all it provides for us.
We can have a relationship that provides for us “beyond our wildest dreams” if we can just let go. If we can allow ourselves to let go of our expectations, let go of how we think things “should” be, let go of how we believe love is expressed, let go of what we believe love is and how it works, let go of needing proof that the relationship is good. Just let it all go.
Most of us are afraid to let go in our relationship. We are afraid that if we stop working so hard or stop trying to control it, we will lose it. In reality, it is quite the opposite. A flower needs room to grow and bloom, and so does a relationship. If you try to pull up a flower to have it grow faster, change its direction of growth, or force it open to bloom on your timetable, you will kill it. A flower knows what do to grow big and beautiful, and so does your relationship. Left to its own devices, timing, experiences, and love, the relationship will grow and provide both partners with what they want and need. By now you may be asking, how do I let go? I am glad you asked.
How to let go:
• Do nothing. There is really nothing to do. Just be.
• Stop worrying. Just live in the moment. You cannot control the future. Many have tried, all have failed. The future will take care of itself. It will be whatever it is meant to be.
• Set your relationship free! When you feel the need to direct, help, or micromanage your partner, don’t. See what happens when you just let it be. If you are having trouble, ask yourself this question: Does this create more freedom in the relationship or less?
• Stop judging it. Your relationship is perfect. If you are judging, you are most likely being critical. It is hard to have fun, enjoy yourself, feel safe to make mistakes, or even be yourself if someone is criticizing you. Everyone is doing the very best they can. I know no one who says, “Let me do the worst job I can in this relationship.”
• Allow yourself to believe that the universe knows better than you do. The old adage “Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it” comes from the idea that we often do not know how to get what we want, nor do we know what is best for us. The universe does, and if we let go it will make sure we are provided for.
• Enjoy! Have a new and freeing relationship. Allow yourself to experience a new level of ease and love.
Set your relationship free! Let go! Stop worrying about what it is or isn’t. Stop Worrying about what works for you and what doesn’t. Just be present in what is. Be present in the moment. Stop taking the temperature of the relationship. Stop judging it, worrying about it, and controlling it. Just enjoy it! Have fun! Set it free! Love!

©2007 Erika Morrell

Have a go. Anybody can do it.
—Allen Parker

Are you ready to have some fun? This month I am going to talk about an aspect of relationships that really jazzes me, collaboration! It is creative, expansive, educating, unifying, and a constant trip into deeper understanding. I will joyously talk about four aspects of collaboration: teamwork, commitment, harmony, and thriving. These elements allow a relationship to become an artistic expression of the two participants while they create this masterpiece entitled, “The Relationship.”
• Teamwork
Teamwork is defined as a “cooperative effort by the members of a group or team to achieve a common goal.” You and your partner are the “team”; what is your common goal? For most people it is to have a fabulous, nurturing, and Love-filled relationship. A relationship works very much like a team. Each person offers special talents and strengths. They have each developed certain skills, based on their life experience. These very different talents, strengths, and skills are used in combination to have the team be successful. One person’s talents do not make a team, nor could a successful team be made up entirely of players that play the same position. Teammates need to work together to communicate, to each play their position, and to both support the strengths and compensate for the weaknesses in their partner. Being a member of a team, you are asked to set aside your own individual needs for what will ultimately be best for the team. In a relationship you are asked to set aside your own needs, and Lovingly nurture the relationship. What is best for the relationship comes first.
It is not uncommon for me to hear clients complain that their partner is not like them. They do not take care of the house as good as they would, or handle money as responsibly as they do. Often each partner is looking for the other to play the same position as they do. The truth is, if one partner is stronger at managing money and the other is stronger at keeping house, as long as they are working together you have a good team. It is not about being the same; it is about supporting the differences in the way that makes the team stronger.
• 100-Percent Commitment
Collaboration means a 100-percent commitment to putting the relationship first. This requires that we learn how to deal with our selfish side, that our individual needs and wants take a backseat to what is best for the relationship. Everything is not “my way or the highway,” and we will very rarely get “what we want, how we want it, when we want it.” This does not mean we get nothing. This merely means that our needs are met within the framework of what is best for the relationship, and the majority of life becomes one happy compromise, and at times a not so happy compromise, but a compromise nonetheless. In those moments comfort can be taken in the fact that we have put the relationship first and that you are doing what is best for the relationship.
In putting the relationship first we are creating a Loving and nurturing atmosphere that allows each partner to discover how the other deals with different situations the best and where their strengths and weaknesses are. We learn how we can best support and communicate with them, as well as how we need to be supported and communicated with. We ultimately learn how to treat the other person as we would like to be treated. It is a constant state of consciousness.
• Working in Harmony
Working in harmony allows the ebb and flow of compromise to develop. It is in that way that each other’s strengths are enhanced and weaknesses are minimized. What is important to each partner becomes clear. How to meet one another’s needs becomes more clear. What we need and how we can accept it in the framework of what is best for the relationship becomes clear.
Harmony allows us the ability to view what is in the best interest of the relationship. In harmony we have the ability to view all the ways that the focus on me, can become the focus on we. “Who is going to get their way”—the battle that often exists between couples—starts to exist less and less. When the needs of one partner are in the “best interest of the relationship,” they are embraced. Before you know it, it becomes second nature to put the relationship first. You no longer ask, “What is best for me?” You ask, “What is best for the relationship?” Ultimately it is what is best for you and your partner. You are nurturing your Love.
• Thriving
Through collaboration partners end up complementing each other. There is a balance that is naturally struck. The discoveries that are made as an individual and as part of a couple let us gain insight into who we are at a deeper level. These insights have us understand our partner and who we are in relationship to them. We can start to let go of the insecure feeling of needing to control another person, the fear of not getting our needs met, and start to understand that our needs will be met. We will start to understand that our needs will be met even if it happens in a way that is not how we picture or are familiar with. We learn to trust that someone is there for us with Love, appreciation, respect, and support. Collaboration gives us the freedom to create whatever it is we want. No one has to change who they are or manipulate the other person. Each person is supported in being exactly who they are as an entire person, and from that a third energy is co-created, who the two people are together.
Collaboration is art. Be creative, play with it, have fun! Love every minute of it. Love.
©2007 Erika Morrell

Love is keeping your room clean.
—Mr. Fred Rogers

     I mentioned to my client, Stacy, that I intended to use a quote from Mr. Rogers to open my article this month. She enquired, “Which quote could you possibly use that would have anything to do with adult Love?” “Love is keeping your room clean,” I responded. She broke out laughing. “God, is that the truth!” Stacy would know. She had never been able to have a successful long-term relationship with a man, or any real relationship to speak of. She had been abandoned, lied to, and hurt repeatedly by the men in her life, and it felt to her as if that was all she would ever experience.
     Stacy’s room was dirty. Her heart was cluttered with all the stories, pain, hurt, and disappointment that she had experienced in her life. All the memories that had been created, all the wrong choices she had made, and all the times that she should have seen the signs were scattered all over the floor. She was unable to find the gifts that had been given to her in recent years. The kind men, with integrity, honor, and genuine feeling for her got lost in the mess. They were hard for her to find, once they had entered her room, her heart, they became part of the mess, never to be seen again. It is hard to find anything in a dirty room.
     Most of us know how to keep house, very few of us know how to Keep Heart®. We carry around our history and pain, most of the time unaware of how much it actually affects us. Every part of our existence—our thoughts, feelings toward people, decisions we make, who we are attracted to, how we hear things, and how we react to the situations in our lives, especially with our partners or potential partners—are all greatly affected by how dirty our room is. Everything we see is filtered through the dirt. For example, if Cindy lied to me, used me, betrayed me, and ultimately broke my heart, and she had once told me that Al Green was her favorite singer, when I meet Jill, whose favorite singer happens to be Al Green, I will assume that I know who she is and how I will be treated by her. The truth is that I have no idea who Jill is, how I will feel about her, or how she will treat me. I am looking at her from across my dirty room. Even if I chose to spend time with her, I would be looking for proof that she was like Cindy. I will never really be able to truly let her in, to truly see her. It is hard to see clearly in a messy room.
     Probably one of the most challenging parts of having to clean your room is that it’s hard to let anyone in. We are humiliated that it is a mess. We are afraid of being judged on its condition. How will I be perceived? What will this room say about me? Can I be Loved if my room is a mess? There is no room in here—where would we sit? It is hard when we have not had the opportunity to become fully conscious of how wounded we are, to heal our wounds, or to become close to anyone. Most of us have the expectation that we are going to be hurt again just like before. We prepare for that inevitability by protecting ourselves one way or another. Our room is covered with all the things that keep our painful memories alive. We have not yet thrown out the trash.
     Our room is so crowded that there is nowhere to put the new gifts, the new experiences, the new Love. It all has to be placed in the same room. The heart, surrounded by all the mess, these shiny new gifts, the special people, the beautiful Love, somehow loses some of the shine. We do not have the chance to experience all the Love that is a part of our life now in an accurate way.
How to Keep Heart®:
• Love yourself enough to clean your room.
• Start by remembering that your past is your past; it does not dictate your future. You can allow yourself to make different choices. You can allow yourself to be Loved.
• Make a list of all the beautiful, Loving things about you. Please don’t hold back. I have always found it interesting how hard it is for people to say kind words about themselves. I am giving permission for you to go to town. Brag away. You are one of a kind. Special. I want to hear it all; I want you to hear it all. List every last beautiful word about you!
• Make a list of all the people who have hurt you that you feel are significant or that come to mind.
• Make a chart. First write the person’s name. What age you were. Then the story of what happened in as much detail as possible. Then how it made you feel. Next, think and write down the belief about yourself and life that developed out of that experience. Look at how those beliefs play out in your life now. Ask yourself what is real. Then write out how you will move through the world with your new realization.
Example:
Name: John Scott
Age this happened: 15
Story: He was my first Love. Fed me everything I wanted to hear—they were all lies. He broke up with me after I would not sleep with him. After the breakup, he started to pursue my younger sister.
How it made me feel: Heartbroken, ugly, unlovable, unwanted, rejected, and stupid.
Beliefs: I am not Lovable. My sister is more desirable then I am. I will never have what I want. Love equals hurt and betrayal. It is all a lie.
How they play out: I do not trust Love. I am preparing to be hurt. I can not truly be intimate. I do not believe I am as beautiful as I need to be. I am just being used.
What is real: I am lovable, beautiful, and I now have what I want. Love is a beautiful adventure that I am blessed and thankful to be a part of. Everything that I still desire is on its way to me now.
How I now move through the world: With Love in my heart. I am confident in all that makes me beautiful. I see all the Love that surrounds me, and keep my heart open. I have trust and faith that all I desire is on its way now.
• Allow yourself to forgive and let go of the past. Move into the truth about the special, glorious person you are. Have faith that Love surrounds you and that that person is out there looking for you.

I am happy to announce that Stacy has just become engaged! She credits Heart Keeping® for finally being able to see Love clearly, and allowing her Soul Mate to see her. So I dedicate this to Stacy.
Remember, when you clean house it becomes a beautiful day in the neighborhood every day!

© 2007 Erika Morrell